Norma June Wiley never actually opened her eyes the entire time she was in custody.

She was found in the high school gym, passed out in the trophy case, clutching a glittery baton and whispering, “Miss Twirl 1973 never dies.”

When asked how she got in, she said she had “unfinished business” with the pep band. No one could confirm what that meant, but a flute was missing, and the janitor’s bucket was full of peppermint Schnapps.

Deputies said she briefly fought them off using only her elbow and an empty lipstick tube.

She finally bonded out when her ex-husband’s cousin recognized her and muttered, “Ah hell, not again.”

All persons and events are fiction.

Floyd Danner got picked up at precisely 5:47 p.m., halfway through his fourth Schlitz and mid-lecture on “the sacred geometry of horseshoe pits.”

According to the report, Floyd was arrested for “aggressive loitering and unauthorized sandwich distribution” after setting up a card table in front of the DMV and trying to sell baloney sandwiches wrapped in used napkins.

He told the deputy, “I’m providing a service, son. You ever sat through a title transfer sober?”

When they took his mugshot, Floyd leaned in and asked, “Is this going in the Newsletter? ’Cause I want my good side.”

He doesn’t have a good side.

All persons and events are fiction.

They call him “Vegas” because he once spent 11 hours at the slots in Tunica and came home with nothing but a divorce and a ferret named Chaz.

On Dec. 2, 1995, Ricky Lankford got pinched for running a “pop-up casino” in the American Legion men’s room.

The poker game was going fine until someone bet their prosthetic leg, and Ricky tried to collect.

“Legs is currency if there’s a buy-in,” he argued, shirt half-tucked, gold chain flashing under that tragic candy-stripe button-down.

The mugshot was snapped minutes after Deputy Hargrove forced Ricky to empty his pockets—six dice, a crumpled Polaroid of his ex-wife, and $14 in loose change.

He left with a warning and a limp. Not his.

All persons and events are fiction.